Monthly Archives: February 2013

Twists and Turns and Never Say Never

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Anytime in my life I have ever said, “I will NEVER…”, that NEVER always presents itself in my life in a way I can’t resist. I should know better.

If you don’t know, my heart, my passion is childbirth. It’s watching babies enter the world, it’s witnessing families bound together by another life, it’s being present in a moment and thinking, “holy shit, I cannot believe they are letting me share in this with them”. And it’s more. It’s so much more. It fills my heart in a way I can never, ever explain.

So, cut to the meat.

The day after Christmas, after weeks and weeks (really months) of planning for nursing school and stressing about how our family would survive financially with me in nursing school (aside from the actual monthly cost of nursing school I was terrified of the cost of childcare and the omission of what has become a pretty comfortable monetary contribution from doula work), I got a call from someone I used to work with. For those of you who don’t know, I used to be in real estate. For 12 years I hustled, working weekends, sitting in new construction, dealing with crazy ass people and crazy agents and crazy builders. As time went on I became more and more disgruntled. And then the market went to shit. And putting a deal together and seeing it all the way to closing was next to impossible. And then I got pregnant. And then I reallllly hated dealing with people. And then I had Koi. And then I said fuck all that, I’m doing this birth shit. And I never (there’s that word again) looked back. People would ask me all the time if I would ever go back into real estate and without hesitation I would say, “Nope, never”. So, back to the call. This person said hey, I don’t know what you’re doing now, if you’re ready to go back to “work” (in my eyes, I’ve always worked, just not maybe in the traditional setting of my previous life), but there is a position available in our office for a sales manager and we’d like to see if you’d be a good fit. And so it begins.

I sat on it for 2 days. I envisioned all the what ifs and the hows. Then I told my husband. And we decided I’d agree to an interview.

The morning of the interview I got up early, showered, put on makeup, did my hair, put on my old clothes. My clothes that no one had wiped a poo poo hand on. No boogers. My shoes. Oh, my shoes. Patent leather. Heels. And I interviewed. And I wanted it.

But I tossed and turned in my head over the next couple of weeks. I mean really. Tormented. Giving up a “dream” of midwifery. Or maybe midwifery. Completely “being” birth. And then I got called in for a second interview nearly 2 weeks (2 very long weeks) later. And then I really wanted it. I will spare you the back and forths that I had with my husband 600 times a day. In the end, I wanted it. The day before I was set to start nursing school, I got called in again, and I received an offer for the job. And I took it.

So. Here I am. Doing what I said I would never do. Although, in a different capacity, the same business. And I’m loving it. Like really, really loving it. This is where I am supposed to be. This is the twist and turn.

I have one birth left. I’ve had 2 since I’ve been here. I’ll still be doing placentas. Y’all know I can’t walk away. I have to keep my hand (heart) in this world of birth. And I really am a placenta geek.

So, there it is. I’ve been waiting to sort of spread the word, just because I didn’t want my birth clients worrying about me or my commitment or my availability.

This is an adventure for our whole family. We are all adjusting to mama being back at “work”. We are all finding our way. Just like I’m sure you are with your family. I hope you’ll still be interested in what’s to come. I love my In The Caul peeps, forever and ever.

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Kindnessgirl

papi love

He can’t speak anymore but it doesn’t even seem to matter in some ways. His eyes, his expressions, his soul tells us everything we need to know about his heart.

Jorge and I just returned from a whirlwind trip to spend some time with my father-in-law in Southern California. He is one of the kindest men I have ever known. It was hard to see so many parts of himself lost as a result of this disease, but I was also so amazed by how much of who he is, the beauty, the gentleness, the grace, is still so deep within him.

…no matter the brain shrink, those things live in his soul…and can never be taken away.

We return exhausted, sad and yet full from being with sisters that are a little older but still so much the same, from watching little nieces giggling from wild dress up…

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